Why Onward?

How would you fill in the blank? Life is _______________________.

Life is so many things. Hard, wild, everchanging, easy, complicated, a gift. How we choose to complete that sentence depends on our current perception. Over the course of our lifetime, as we navigate the many nuances of daily living, there are times that we inevitabily get stuck. In those moments we must find a way to get unstuck. We must figure out how to move forward. Onward is a simple reminder that can be said in a breath, as a whisper to ourselves to keep going. It's a nudge to pick up and take the next step.

Onward is based on my core belief that all events of the past lead us to the current point.

My story began in the small town of Zablace, located on the coast of Croatia. 36 years later I found myself living on Long Island in the state of New York, and 10 years after that Denver, CO was my home. There are many events that transpired in between all of that. Movement, more specifically running, triathlons, and cycling were the threads that held me together. Life is a story, and for me some of it went like this.

In 1986 my mother took her own life away. I was 7 years old. My father protected my emotions as if they were made of porcelain. Over the course of the next 10 years I experenienced many changes. Including being away from my father and in the care of my Uncle for a year, moving to the US, meeting my stepmother, having two new stepsisters, and attending 4 new schools in 4 years. It was at this point I began running on the track team the Winter Season of my Freshman year at WC Mepham HS. Running became a steady constant in my life in a sea of changes. It has stuck with me ever since. It was my version of Onward.

I am often running towards something. It became an integral part of who I am. As I would run I would ask myself why? Why? Why? Why do I do this? Why do I train? Why am I drawn to it? Why do I need it? At different points of my life the "Why?" has had different explanations. The history of my mother taking her own life is a part of my story, a part of my why. While I don't like it, I can't change it. I don't want to change it. I own it, it's mine, it's a piece of me and I choose to share it. It's part of my story. It left an energetic imprint. I don't want to run away from it. How can I take that energy and run towards something. I want to somehow raise awareness for others who might feel they are in the dark. Onward is about transcendence no matter what your darkness might be. I'm done playing the "some day" game with my desire to raise awareness for Suicide Prevention.